Imperfectly seeking God
My devotional life has had its ups and downs.
As a child, our family tried to gather around the living room each evening to read the Bible, sing, and pray. Sometimes we managed. Other times we didnât. Getting together for family worship each night is good, but we struggled to make it stick.
As I grew older, I looked for ways to incorporate a habit of daily worship. I wanted to spend time in prayer and reading scripture. Iâd been told all the right reasons to do it. And I tried, out of sheer force of will, to make it happen from a sense of obligation. But I was missing the point behind it all.
I havenât even come close to figuring this outâthat journey will consume the rest of my life and eternity beyondâbut in recent years my perspective has shifted. Instead of approaching worship out of a sense an obligation, an expectation, or a requirement from an ever-watching God, I now worship out of a longing for closeness. I look for a way to fill the emptiness in my own soul with thoughts beyond this earth.
In the mornings, I turn heavenward because I want connection with my friend, my Creator, my Savior. Itâs no longer about duty. Itâs about something much deeper. My shift only came when I realized God isnât forcing anything. He doesnât coerce, he doesnât demand. Instead of forcing, he asks. Instead of trying to catch us in doing something wrong (thatâs Satanâs job), He wishes only joy and love for us. Realizing that I didnât have to do anything made me want to do something.
So what does my personal devotional life look like today? Itâs messyâbecause Iâm messy. Itâs brokenâbecause Iâm imperfect. But each day, I look for glimpses of Christâs love, beauty in His word, and in that seeking, Iâm sometimes finding it. Some days, my worship is reading just a few verses. Other times, itâs crying out to God in frustration. Sometimes, itâs putting an AirPod in one ear while Iâm half-asleep, and listening to a few minutes of a sermon. Sometimes, itâs urgently studying a topic because Iâll be trying to teach it the next morning in Trailblazers. Itâs not perfect, but in all of this, I find myself seeking after a Savior.
In Sabbath School, we talked about Jesusâ invitation to take our burdens and come alongside Him. âCome to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is comfortable, and My burden is light.â Matthew 11:28-30 NASV.
My hope is that youâll find that joy, that connection, that desire to come closer to Jesus. Have I figured it out? Not at all. I question everything about my walk with Christ daily. I feel insufficient, broken, not enough. But I believe in claiming Godâs promises and trusting that He loves us more than I love my own children. Coming to our Savior to worship of our own freewillâthatâs what it means to be a follower of Christ.